


Scarlet Tears

by valentine192



Category: Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Musical References, Past Child Abuse, Protective Thor, Romance, Thor Is Not Stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 21:18:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2403206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentine192/pseuds/valentine192
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Though they have been together for years, Thor never truly read Loki's novels. Instead, he just listens to Loki tell him about it. But when Loki was at a conference one day, Thor comes across one of the novels and comes upon the writer's secrets and his scarlet tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scarlet Tears

They just moved in together, new apartment, new life. Just the two of them. A cozy apartment, a fireplace that warmed them during the winter and a spacious kitchen for Thor to cook. And a small, intimate library for Loki. It was everything that they wanted. Their own little home.

 

Thor placed his hands on his hips and sighed in quiet joy. A smile was on his face and his hair was pulled up. Loki, a writer, was at a conference. Though Thor has never truly read any of Loki’s books, he has tried. However, he just was never a fan of literature. He enjoyed watching movies, yes, but he enjoyed it most when Loki would tell him the stories that have graced the pages of his books. Because, when Loki tells his stories, there’s a sparkle in Loki’s eyes, a special love for his characters and an honest fascination for their journey. And, despite the hardships that Loki’s characters faced, the ending was always rather happy. So Thor never questioned Loki thoughts. Instead, he loved Loki.

 

Thor smiled wider and walked into their room. While Loki was a writer, Thor was an engineer. So that meant regular work hours which Loki found to be boring and lacking of adventure and whatnot. Thor, however, had no complaints. He earns money, and that’s why he went to college. Sometimes, though, he and Loki would argue about it because they couldn’t understand each other. However, before the night would end, they would both apologise and talk to each other that when they fall asleep, they understand the other more.

 

Thor sat down on their bed, the bedsheets a rich green which Loki picked himself. Thor laughed at the memory then stood up. He stretched his arms in the air and yawned. It was only three in the afternoon and it was a lazy Sunday. Usually, he’d visit his family if Loki was away, but he felt rather heavy that day that he decided to just stay home.

 

Above their bed, right on the ceiling, was a painting which Loki painted himself. Thor looked up and, yet again, laughed at the memory. He made fun of Loki for trying to be like Michelangelo, but he adored the painting. Loki, himself, was a true artist and that’s what made Thor fall for him. His words and his art. Even if Thor was never the arts type, his most treasured moments were the times he would watch Loki be in his comfort zone, which was with words and with art. But Loki never enjoyed seeing Thor do math. It was boring, but Loki did enjoy having Thor beside him. Even if they would keep their silence, their presence was enough.

 

The painting above the bed was that of the sun and the moon, and a little phrase which said:

_The moon is always jealous of the heat of the day, just as the sun always longs for something dark and deep._

Because that’s what they called each other, _sun_ and _moon._ While Thor was the sun, Loki was the moon, and they needed each other.

 

Thor walked out of their room and into the library. Though it was small, the books intimidated Thor. But what really frightened him was how Loki could buy dozens of books every week only to add half of those books to his “never had the time to read” stack. Thor sighed and thought, “What a waste of money,” but money never really mattered for Thor. For him, Loki’s happiness was what was important.

 

Loki’s computer lay quietly on the desk. Beside it was a picture frame which held the picture of Loki and Thor during one of their first vacations together. It was a trip to Canada. It was a random trip, really, Loki had to go there for a book signing and Thor tagged along, and so it became their first vacation together.

 

Thor touched the glass of the picture frame and smiled. Then, he walked over to Loki’s stereo and touched the CDs that were stacked on it. They were albums which belonged to singers who Thor did not know of, but it still amazed Thor. He and Loki were so different, yet they matched as if they were meant to come together to be one. In Loki’s words, like how they were the sun and the moon, they were also like yin and yang. And Thor simplified it into simply thinking that they were pieces of the same puzzle.

 

One of the albums belonged to Judy Garland, one of America’s most precious singers who lived her life battling her insecurities. Thor took out the CD and placed it in the stereo then pressed play. The smooth sound of the trombone and the sax came out of the speakers, and Thor swayed. Loki, though a fan of music, was picky when he was writing. Only specific songs could be played or his stories would become a mess. And, again, Thor laughed. Loki once got angry at him for suddenly playing rock music while Loki was writing.

 

Thor walked to Loki’s laptop and turned it on. Even if it was only the two of them in the apartment, there was a password for the desktop. So Thor typed in the passport, _scarlet tears,_ into the box. _Scarlet Tears_ was Loki’s first books, the one which Loki considered to be his most valued but darkest treasure. Though Thor never read it, he never asked Loki about because if Loki refused to talk about it, then he would let Loki have that little sense of peace.

 

The desktop was filled with documents that Thor shook his head. Loki was terribly messy, but he would go into these weird moods when he would suddenly become all neat and fix everything. Thor, being the lover who he was, was tempted to clean the desktop, but Loki would get angry. He, however, read the names of the documents which were just chapters to his current book and upcoming books.

 

That’s one of the problems with Loki - or one of the problems that Thor didn’t like. Loki was a workaholic. He would spend hours on the computer just writing, and Thor could not understand how it was an “emotional release,” as what Loki would try to explain to him. Because, for Thor, Loki didn’t need any emotional release. Loki, whenever he was with Thor, was always rather happy. But that was what Thor knew, their present and their life. Thor only knew Loki’s past in the way that Loki wanted him to know, and Loki has never introduced Thor to his family because Loki, since he moved out when he was twenty-three, has refused to return to his family home even for vacations. He never even attended parties and reunions which saddened Thor because he enjoyed the idea of family. Loki called him his new family, but Thor called Loki as part of his family. It didn’t sadden Loki, and Thor never once asked Loki to introduce him to his parents.

 

A book fell from the bookshelf. Thor stood up and walked to it. When he picked it up, he noticed that the cover was of a rich red. When he read the title, he stiffened.

 

_Scarlet Tears._

 

Loki once asked him to read it, but Thor saw poetry and shuddered thinking that Loki wrote like Shakespeare. And Thor was not a fan of Shakespeare. So Thor tried to put it back on the shelf, but his hand suddenly stilled. As if a different person took over him, he brought the book to his chest and opened it to a random page.

 

 

 

_The darkness is only getting colder_

_And we are not getting bolder_

 

_The monster is already in front of us_

_But none of you would want the matter to be discussed_

 

_The monster strikes and hits my head_

_And in my eyes all I see is the colour red_

 

_I scream for your help and for your hand_

_But none of you dare to take a stand_

 

_You let me bleed_

 

 

 

Thor slammed the book shut and stared at its title, _Scarlet Tears._ Thor knew that writers write what they felt, that’s the same for every artist. And if Loki wrote about abuse, was he writing about himself or writing to help someone else? But this was Loki’s first book, the one he wrote and published when he was twenty-two, five years before he even met Thor.

 

The song changed to the next, _Smile,_ composed by Charlie Chaplin but Judy Garland’s version. Thor turned to the stereo and listened.

 

_Smile though your heart is aching_

_Smile even though it's breaking._

_When there are clouds in the sky_

_you'll get by._

 

It was a song that was telling the listener to smile, but Thor watched _Chaplin_ with Loki and he knew that the real story of that song was rather depressing. So Thor opened the book again and landed on another random page.

 

 

_I do not anymore what is time_

_I do not even know how to rhyme_

 

_All I know is that I have fallen_

_For you, I am nothing but sullen_

 

_You call me mad_

_You call me bad_

 

_But you never came for me when I called your name_

_And throughout the years it has always been the same_

 

_My scarlet tears fall and paint my face_

_But my sadness, though obvious, you can never trace_

 

Thor closed the book. He could not handle it anymore. There were questions in his head and an ache in his heart. He needed to go to Loki, he needed to know if Loki was going through something which he hasn’t told Thor. But what if he didn’t want to tell Thor? They have been together for five years already, and Thor proposed to Loki just a few months ago. Could Loki keep a secret for that long?

 

Well, yes, he can.

 

Thor looked at his wristwatch and cursed. Loki wasn’t going to get home until late that night, and he just couldn’t go to the conference and interrupt. Instead, he just walked to Loki’s computer and researched Loki and his novels. He read the summaries and cursed for he already knew the summaries. What he needed was an in depth analysis of Loki’s characters. And, so, he searched that up.

 

His heart broke.

 

His characters suffered from depression, emotional breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, insecurities, and much more. Though a lot of those issues were needed to create a realistic, deep, memorable character, those characters were usually a mirror of the writer. Because, in books, one does not see characters. No, they see the different parts of the author. And if Loki wrote a character who attempted suicide, then that meant that Loki, at least once, has thought of it. Maybe not in his consciousness, but in his subconsciousness, yes.

 

Thor collapsed agains that chair and sighed. Though he gave himself credit (most people thought that he was an idiot, well, beside Loki he was but he was relatively smarter than most people), he worried greatly for Loki. Why has he never even read one book? Of course, if Loki told him the story, then Loki could pick the good parts and the bad. And if Loki insisted that he read _Scarlet Tears,_ then that meant that Loki _did_ cry to him for help. He was just like the person in the poem, the one who heard Loki crying but never came to help.

 

Thor ran out into their garage and drove to the hotel where they were having the conference. It was still early in the evening when he arrived, and so he went to a nearby McDonalds to eat as he texted Loki.

 

_Love, I know that you said that you’d take the bus home, but I’m here._

 

Thirty minutes later, Loki replied.

 

_You oaf, you just wasted gas._

 

Thor smiled and said,

 

_I’d waste anything for you. I’m just at McDonalds. Come here when you’re done._

 

Thor didn’t get any more replies, and so he just played some games on his phone. He needed to wake up early the next day for work but, for Loki, he’d quit his work. And one absence won’t hurt him.

 

When the time on his phone said 10:32pm, Thor smiled for a shadow appeared behind him. He turned around and saw Loki looking at his phone. He stood up, grabbed Loki by the shoulders, and embraced the man in front of everyone. Thor was a fan of public displays of affection, but Loki was not. Especially since Loki was a writer, Loki feared that someone might see. Though he did not care what people thought and he did what he want, Loki, secretly, feared showing people that he had someone who he loved because he feared that one day, his lover would leave him. It would be better to suffer alone than have people snickering behind your back.

 

Loki pushed Thor away, but Thor was used to that. He just took Loki’s hand and brought them to the car. When they were inside, Thor softly kissed Loki’s lips. When he pulled away, Loki smiled and said, “Did something happen that you seem to be more in love with me today?”

 

Thor just smiled and started the engine of the car. “No,” he said, “I just want you to know that I love you.”

 

Loki opened the radio and started nodding his head to Maroon 5’s _Maps._ He sang to the lyrics.

 

_I was there for you_

_In your darkest times_

_I was there for you_

_In your darkest nights_

 

_But I wonder where were you?_

_When I was at my worst_

_Down on my knees_

_And you said you had my back_

_So I wonder where were you?_

_When all the roads you took came back to me_

 

Though the song was pop, Thor learned a valuable lesson that afternoon, and that was to never fall for masks. So, instead of listening to the tune and the beat, he listened to the words that he frowned and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He didn’t say anything, though. He just drove. When they reached their apartment, they settled on the sofa and Thor opened the TV and put in a movie, _Lilo and Stitch._

 

“Lilo and stitch?” Loki laughed as Thor went to the kitchen to get them both a wineglass and a bottle of red wine. When Thor returned to Loki, Loki asked, “Is this your way of saying that you want to have children already? Didn’t we agree to not have one until after we’re married?”

 

Thor shook his head. He poured wine into Loki’s glass and his glass. Then, he sat down on the edge of the sofa and Loki took his usual position which was beside Thor, Thor’s arm around his shoulder as his head was on Thor’s chest. As they watched the movie, Thor played with Loki’s hair and Loki let his fingers trace Thor’s sides.

 

When the movie finished, Loki looked up to Thor and said, “You’re acting rather peculiar. You have work tomorrow and when you’re usually asleep by 10pm at the latest. It’s already past midnight.”

 

Thor shrugged. “I’m not working tomorrow. I want to be with you.”

 

“What? You want to watch me spend hours on the computer while listening to mellow jazz and ballads?”

 

“Maybe?”

 

Loki pulled away and poured them more red wine. As he did so, he said, “I’m not dumb. You’re hiding something.”

 

Loki put the bottle of wine down and sipped from his glass. Thor watched him and, the whole while, Thor was mesmerised with the way Loki’s eyes watched him. He wondered if he ever noticed just how mysterious those eyes were. They were green and blue, very calculating and wise. There were hundreds of secrets beneath those eyes. Did he even know half of it?

 

“Why did you pick Lilo and Stitch?” asked Loki as he handed Thor his wine. Thor didn’t take it, though, he just continued to watch Loki who frowned and put the glass down. “Usually, I’d say that you were just being childish but with how you’re acting, I’d say something else. I’m a writer Thor, You can compare our kind to those of psychologists. After all, we write about you, humans.”

 

Thor leaned close to Loki and placed his hand behind Loki’s neck. His fingers caressed the skin, Loki’s hair tangling with the fingers in the way that they both adored. Loki, thinking that Thor was going to kiss him, placed the wineglass down. His lids were growing heavy and his eyes were on Thor’s lips, and Thor suddenly spoke.

 

“Family never gives up on each other.”

 

And, in a snap, Loki slapped Thor. “Again?” Loki shouted. “You want to see my family and convince me to go back to them? Didn’t we agree years ago that this conversation is over? I warned you that last time that I will hit you if you dare mention it again! You are my new fucking family!” Loki stood up to walk to their room and lock himself there, but Thor grabbed his wrist and pulled him back on the sofa. Loki, glaring at Thor, pulled his hand back to push at Thor, but Thor quickly embraced his lover in the tightest embrace that he could muster. Loki gasped, “Thor!”

 

“No!” Thor felt his tears threatening to fall as his voice threatened to shake. He said, “I read it, Loki! I read it!”

 

Loki pushed Thor away so that he could breathe. He was still angry that he said, “What? Read what?”

 

“ _Scarlet Tears.”_

 

Without wasting a single second, Loki quickly stood up and walked to their room.

 

“Loki, wait!” Thor ran after him, and, when Loki was about to close the door on Thor’s face, Thor forced himself into the room. He embraced Loki and pushed him against the wall, trapping Loki against him where Loki could not escape.

 

“You beast!” shouted Loki. “Let me go!”

 

Thor bit Loki’s ear and, as expected, Loki stiffened. Thor whispered, “I love you.”

 

Loki closed his eyes and sighed. Those words always managed to tear at his heart strings. Every single time. Every single fucking time. It’s as if he denied those words’ meaning to sink into him, as if he denied himself the feeling of loving and being loved.

 

“Who hurt you?” asked Thor as he kept his body pushed against Loki’s. “Tell me. I’ll skin them alive for you. I’ll show them that they should have never touched you,” but despite what he said, Thor knew that he would never be able to do that to the suspects because he already knew who they were without Loki confessing it.

 

“Thor,” Loki wrapped his arms around Thor’s neck and said, “My parents. My father used to beat me up as a child, but he always did it behind closed doors. And even if I cried for help, no one dared to help me. We lived with my father’s parents and his brother, but nothing. I remember crying after he punched me, but I received nothing. He broke a table in front of me, too, but nothing. He punched me because I was being a kid. A portion of food fell to the floor, I wanted to play with him, and the sink fell because I leaned on it. I was only five.” Loki closed his eyes and the tears fell. Thor moved to him and placed a soft kiss upon Loki’s jaw.

 

Loki continued. “I was but a child, but I was forced to grow up into this adult so that I could handle the torture. I never fought back. Instead, I withdrew. I became spoiled with some people, but that was what they thought because I never asked for anything. People just gave me stuff, and so I learned to manipulate and I learned to love only myself because, in that house, I felt as if no one loved me. There are too many issues, Thor. Do you really want to hear all of it?”

 

Thor nodded and kissed Loki’s neck to encourage him to talk. Loki moaned, but, nevertheless, he continued.

 

“He hurt my brothers, too, and I was the only one standing up for us. But no one helped us. No one believed me. And since my brothers refused to talk, everyone called me a liar. Why would they keep their silence? I hated them. Such cowards.” Loki sadly smiled as his voice cracked. “I grew up thinking that one should be strong, but I was the only one in our family fighting for something that they called me mad. I was different. They believed that you belong to your parents and that your parents can do whatever they want with you. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was killing me.”

 

Thor whispered to Loki’s ear, “And, so, you bled.”

 

Loki leaned closer to Thor and whispered back, _“The scarlet tears could not fall anymore; My body was too tired and sore; I could not handle the blows no more; My eyes were sick of the gore.”_

 

Thor drew back and caressed Loki’s cheek with the back of his hand. “You should have told me that your father was physically abusive.”

 

“I was more emotionally tired. He could hurt me if he wanted, but what I didn’t like was how my uncle and everyone else gave me a deaf ear. I kept saying the same story for years but none of them believed me. I wish I knew you then.”

 

“Oh, Loki.”

 

“I looked for a saviour. I was once strong but I grew weak because I was tired, Thor. So tired. I wanted to die, and even if I was okay, I knew that my mind was not because I could not stop writing about depressing characters. I was chained to this darkness.”

 

Thor leaned his forehead to Loki’s and whispered, “I am your new family. We do not need the old one. They live with traditional views, and so they will pass their sins to their children. I’m happy that you branched out from them. Your line would be different. They’d be happy and free.”

 

Loki sobbed and closed his eyes. “But my childhood could never be changed. My childhood would always be dark. I have no happy memories because the horrible ones are strong and overpower the rest.”

 

Thor kissed Loki’s nose and encouraged the other to continue talking.

 

+

 

Later that night, as they lay naked on the bed with Loki’s head on Thor’s chest, Thor combed Loki’s hair. Loki was emotionally tired from talking about his past, and Thor held him tenderly to assure that, despite the horrible past, Thor would see to it that their future would be filled with warmth and happiness.

 

Loki looked up to the ceiling and read the quote that was on it.

 

“ _The moon is always jealous of the heat of the day,”_ Loki nuzzled Thor’s neck and said, “That’s why I love you. Everywhere you go, you shine. That’s what I wanted when I was a child, happiness.”

 

And, so, Thor said the second part of the quote. _“Just as the sun always longs for something dark and deep._ Loki, that’s why I love you.”

 

The wind blew against their window. Loki nuzzled even closer to Thor and asked, “Can you love a depressed person?”

 

Thor closed his eyes and sighed. “Depression is just a fancy name that they came up with. Unless if you’re clinically depressed, that’s different. For me, depression is just sadness. That’s normal. If I had your family, I would have killed someone already.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“And, please, Loki, no more secrets. No hidden meanings behind your words. Please?”

 

“I love you.”

 

Thor turned to Loki and laid a soft kiss upon his lover’s lips.

 

 

 

 


End file.
